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Thursday, December 6, 2012

Kate Middleton's hospital hoax

Twenty months after the couple were married, Kate is two months pregnant. As she recovers in hospital from severe morning sickness, the world's press have gone completely mad and bookies are taking bets on baby names and who will be godparents.

Most people only have one or two godparents but the royals have a lot more.  The Prince is godfather to several children and is expected to return the favour.  One of his godchildren is three year old Grace van Custem who held her hands over her ears during the noisy fly past at the royal wedding.  William's oldest friends the van Custems and the van Straubenzees are likely contenders and so are Kate's sister Pippa and Prince Harry.

David Cameron organized a change in the rules on royal succession and the couple's first child will push Harry into fourth place, even if they have a girl.  Their child will move into third place and will not be subject to the ancient rule of primogeniture which puts male heirs ahead of females.

This meant that 15 other countries, including Australia, Canada and New Zealand, had to agree to change their rules too.  The other major change is that members of the royal family who marry a Roman Catholic will also be able to succeed to the Crown, something unheard of in the past.

Hyperemesis gravidarum is a potentially dangerous type of morning sickness and before intravenous rehydration was invented, many women actually died from it.  Famous author Emily Bronte died of severe nausea and vomiting when she was four months pregnant in 1855 and with that thought in mind, Wills has good reason to be worried.

Kate's hospital inadvertently revealed new details of her condition when two idiot Australian DJs called and pretended to be the Queen and Prince Charles.  When you hear the actual conversation, it's clear the nurse should have guessed it was a prank because their impersonations were pathetic.

"I'm just after my granddaughter Kate, I want to see how her tummy bug is going" one said, stifling laughter.

"She's sleeping at the moment and has had an uneventful night" the nurse said.  "She's been getting some fluids to rehydrate her because she was quite dehydrated when she came in, but she's stable at the moment."  The fake royals went on to ask when they could visit and were told "Anytime after 9 o'clock would be suitable."

A hospital spokesman said "King Edward VII's Hospital deeply regrets this incident, this was a foolish prank call that we all deplore.  We take patient confidentiality extremely seriously and are now reviewing our telephone protocols."