Amal Alamuddin
George Clooney is getting married again and he's chosen Amal Alamuddin. He had to be checked out by her parents first before she would go out with him.
She's a British-Lebanese lawyer, activist and author. Based in London, she specializes in international law, human rights, and extradition. Her many high profile clients include Julian Assange.
Amer Zahr has written a letter called A letter to George Clooney from an Arab guy. Although he doesn't know George personally, he thought he would give him a few tips.
Amer Zahr
The Arabic translations reads:
You’re
marrying Amal Alamuddin, an international award-winning barrister (for us
Americans, “barrister” means lawyer, but I wrote “barrister” because it just
sounds so much cooler). And on top of that, she is one of us. You hit the
jackpot.
CNN
has called her “discreet.” It looks like you found the only Arab woman who
wouldn’t blab to the whole world that she is dating George Clooney. Lucky you.
I
do have some words of advice for you, from one Arab guy to another soon-to-be
Arab guy. Yes, you are not currently an Arab, but you will become one soon
enough. See, when one of our women marries a white guy, she doesn’t become
whiter. He becomes more like us. Wikipedia says your “ancestry includes Irish,
German, English, and more distant Scottish and Dutch roots.” And you were born
in Kentucky. As far as I can tell, that means you’re “really white.” Strap
yourself in for the ride.
I
have been known to get a little upset when Arab girls marry non-Arabs. But most
of the time, they turn those non-Arab guys into Arabs. And when that happens,
I’m all for it. Our culture is strong. It is contagious. And though you are
George Clooney, you will not be immune to this phenomenon.
Oh,
and by the way, there are tens of thousands of Arabs named “George.” My dad is
one of them. And it’s not Arabized or anything. It’s just “George.” We just say
the “g” a little differently, like it sounds in “beige.” So we will be able to
say your name just fine. And you won’t be the first couple to be named “George
& Amal” either. So you’ll fit right in.
Ok,
so let’s talk about a few things.
Get
ready to go to Lebanon and explore. We Arabs are extra proud of where we come
from. And Lebanese Arabs are extra special super-duper over-the-top proud of
where they come from. Lebanon is a beautiful country and you will have a great
time. But movies come to the Middle East a little late, so don’t be surprised
if some Arabs tell you, “Hey, I loved you in Ocean’s Eleven.” They might
not even know about Ocean’s Twelve or Ocean’s Thirteen yet. Try
not to ruin it for them. Also, while parts of Beirut are more beautiful than
any other place in the world, don’t be alarmed if most of it looks like it was
bombed yesterday. This is normal in our part of the world.
Also,
you are marrying an international lawyer who has represented kings and advised
secretary-generals. We Arabs are political animals, and I imagine Amal is no
exception. You will be learning much about the ins and outs of Arab history and
politics over the last century. If you haven’t yet, you will probably be
receiving some lectures on Palestine. Sit back and listen. You will learn a
lot. And it will all be true. You’ve been in Hollywood for a long time, so much
of it may come as a shock at first. This is normal. But you’re not just
marrying any Arab girl. You’re marrying the Arab girl who is an expert in
international law. And there’s nothing we Arabs love more than talking about
international law and how it has been betraying us since… well, since forever.
And there might be some anger directed at America. But remember, we don’t hate
Americans. We just hate America.
Oh,
and we have to talk about the wedding. You may have hoped for a small, tactful
affair. I wouldn’t be too optimistic. Arab parents like to brag when their
daughter marries someone really accomplished like a doctor, a lawyer, or an
owner of three or more gas stations. But this Arab daughter is marrying
freakin’ George Clooney! She’s marrying Up in the Air! She’s marrying Gravity!
She’s marrying Batman! (Yes, I know Batman wasn’t your proudest moment,
but you know what I mean.)
At
the wedding, the size of your family will immediately grow a hundred times
over. You will become a cousin to more individuals than you ever dreamt was
possible. You will hold hands with men and dance in circles. You will need to
learn the “change the light bulb” and “windshield wiper” moves. I have a video that might help.
Our
weddings can create a sort of sensory overload. I would go to a few to observe
the spectacle firsthand before your big day. It could be quite traumatic if the
first Arab wedding you attend is your own. Yours might make “My Big Fat Greek
Wedding” look like a private ceremony.
Incidentally,
now that you will have an Arab wife who advocates for Arab rights, if you were
ever going to run for political office in America, you definitely cannot now.
Unless, of course, you move to Dearborn, Michigan, where you will be swiftly
elected mayor with 99.9% of the vote, Saddam-style.
Finally,
George, you have inspired me. If you can snag an accomplished, intelligent,
beautiful, worldly, multilingual Arab genius professional, then maybe I can
too.
So,
welcome to the family. You’re going to have more fun than you ever imagined.
Sincerely,
Amer
Amer
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